


A waste of time

by multifandomgeek



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, F/F, Fluff, High School AU, Lesbian AU, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Hatred, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-08 04:04:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21229517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/multifandomgeek/pseuds/multifandomgeek
Summary: The first time Brooke met Vanessa, the only thing she could think about was that she didn’t have time for this. To be perfectly reasonable, it probably wasn’t the very first time they met. They did go to school together, but Brooke just couldn’t remember the other girl before that time.The time Vanessa confessed her love for her.





	A waste of time

**Author's Note:**

> This is unbeta'd

The first time Brooke met Vanessa, the only thing she could think about was that she didn’t have time for this. To be perfectly reasonable, it probably wasn’t the very first time they met, Brooke must have said hello to her on some other occasion, maybe even engaged in some kind of small talk. They did go to school together, but Brooke just couldn’t remember the other girl before that time.

The time Vanessa confessed her love for her.

It was one of the most embarrassing things Brooke ever went through. And Vanessa made sure it was public too, right in the middle of the hallway with a couple of her friends anxiously watching. One girl even had her phone up. Brooke didn’t have time for this, she had a million things to study, college applications to go through, exams to prepare for. She didn’t want to all of a sudden have to focus her energy on not hurting someone. That wasn’t exactly in her schedule.

“Can we, hm… talk privately?” said Brooke, her gaze flickering nervously to the people watching. She really didn’t want to cause a scene, it wasn’t her style at all, though it seemed to be Vanessa’s.

“Sure,” said Vanessa, her smile faltering. Brooke was already failing.

They went outside. Vanessa had to ask her friends to stay behind, but Brooke suspected they were still watching them somehow. They were not exactly isolated out there, but at least there were fewer people passing by.

“I don’t think you really love me,” Brooke blurted out, she didn’t know how else to say it. “You barely know me.”

“I didn’t make it up today, you know? You can’t tell me how I feel.” Vanessa crossed her arms, defensive, on her way to angry, and Brooke just didn’t know how she could make this any better. “If you don’t like me, just say it.”

“How- I don’t know you either, Vanessa.” Brooke was trying to be gentle, she really was, but this was just ridiculous. This girl must have watched too many romcoms. “That’s not how love works. Whatever you feel for me it’s- it’s just an illusion, it’s not real.” It seemed like Vanessa wanted to disagree, but Brooke didn’t let her. “You’re very pretty, and you seem like a nice person. I’m sure you’ll find someone to really love. That’s just not me. I’m not the only lesbian in the world, even if there aren’t that many people out in school yet. I’m sorry.”

She didn’t want a fight, so she just left. It was kind of a dickish move, but Brooke really didn’t have time for this. She was already late for her next batch of studying, and she had planned to solve some physics exercises, which was not her strongest suit by a long shot. She needed to focus.

\--

As much as Brooke didn’t want to think about it anymore, she couldn’t help but feel bad for Vanessa. She thought a lot about what happened, and she could have been kinder to the girl, even if she stood by everything she said. Going to school the next day, she thought Vanessa would be hurt, maybe even angry with her. She needn’t worry. Vanessa not only wasn’t all that hurt, but she was also convinced she could change Brooke’s mind. It was the blonde’s worse nightmare.

Brooke found herself getting sweet notes every day in her locker, with a simple good morning and sometimes even a compliment on her appearance. If she and Vanessa had a class together, the brunette would charm her way into sitting right next to Brooke, or unabashedly ask the teachers to be in group projects with her. Every day at lunch, she would come by and drop a piece of candy in Brooke’s tray without saying a word, just smiling at her and walking away.

Everybody noticed, of course. Brooke’s friends were asking about Vanessa in no time, excited about her finally getting a girlfriend, no matter what Brooke said about it. The teachers found it so cute Vanessa didn’t even have to ask anymore and suddenly they were in every assignment together. It was suffocating, and instead of making her fall for the brunette, it only bred resentment inside her.

Brooke was a methodic person. She liked to do things her way, to organize and color-code things then follow her plans to the tee. It calmed her, gave order to her life, tamed her anxiety. To have someone else mess up her routine without her consent was not only annoying, it was messing with her mental health.

But of course, she couldn’t just ask Vanessa to stop. She already did that, more than once, quietly and discreetly, just to be blatantly ignored. She couldn’t just be rude or refuse her gifts either. The girl was in love, being the sweetest little naive person she was, trying to warm her way into Brooke’s stone-cold heart. Everybody would hate her if she so much as looked at Vanessa in the wrong way.

After few weeks of this, Brooke found herself staring at a page at the most reclusive corner she could find in the school library. She couldn’t focus. She was supposed to be writing a short essay about… about what again? Oh, right, the French revolution. She was tired. She woke up that morning with the heavy feeling of wanting to remain asleep, not because it was comfortable and pleasant, but because she wanted to remain unconscious.

She was counting the minutes before she could go to bed again and she knew what that meant. She didn’t have time to be depressed on top of it all. She was too tired to fight it while pretending to be kind all day, plus worrying about school, college, her future and how she was already failing at it. It was just too much.

The weather was grey today. An ugly sky and a heavy atmosphere that Brooke thought meant a storm was coming. She wanted to be back in bed, under her covers, doing nothing. She wished her head would stop for a minute, let her breathe, let her look out the window without the feeling that it was time wasted.

“Can I sit with you?” Vanessa’s voice took Brooke out of her reveries. By the time she turned her head to look at the brunette, she was already settling on the opposite side of the table from Brooke with a smile on her face. She laid a heavy book down, and Brooke’s gaze fell to it.

Chemistry. Right, they had a test next week. Brooke hadn’t got around to review for it yet. Was it too late already? What if she underestimated the amount of content she had to study and now there wasn’t enough time? What if she failed?

Vanessa popped a piece of gum in her mouth. “You want one?” she offered, extending the packet for Brooke, who shook her head in silence.

She hadn’t even eaten the small chocolate Vanessa gave to her at lunch.

“It’s just gum,” said Vanessa in a small voice. She put it down to round the table and crouch next to Brooke, worry written all over her face.

Right. Brooke was crying.

Vanessa reached to wipe her tears for her, and it was so nice that it made Brooke want to cry even harder. She looked away, wiping her own tears. “Sorry.”

“What’s wrong?” Vanessa’s voice was shaking, as if she wanted to cry just from seeing Brooke like that.

“Nothing,” said Brooke, back to staring at her page.

“You want me to go away?” asked Vanessa. It didn’t sound like a trick question, it just sounded like worry.

“I don’t want to be rude to you.” Brooke wished her tears would just stop. There was no reason for them, no reason whatsoever. They weren’t helping, there was no relief, just extra tension.

“But you do,” said Vanessa, stepping back.

“I’m sorry, but yes,” said Brooke with a sob. “Please, just stop.”

Vanessa seemed to finally understand it. But she was also hurt, and Brooke didn’t want that. She didn’t deserve it.

“I’m sorry, I’m just so tired.” Brooke sniffed, hiding her face behind her hands, willing, forcing her tears to stop. By the time she looked, Vanessa was already walking away.

\--

It didn’t get easier, not until Brooke went back to therapy. It felt like a step back, even if she knew it was really a step forward. But her mom made her, and she couldn’t argue that she always came out of it feeling lighter, even if she didn’t agree with everything her therapist was trying to convince her, not yet.

Brooke didn’t tell her about Vanessa. She was wary, for some reason. Like it should be a secret, like she was scared of what might come out once she started talking about it. Because she missed her. How unfair was that? She missed the little good morning notes, the sweets after lunch, her constant smiling presence around. She missed being loved. She only realized that after Vanessa stopped. She believed in her love now.

But there were still several group projects that they had to do together, so it wasn’t like Vanessa was completely gone from her life. Still, Brooke missed her. She didn’t have time to miss her, but she did. She found herself longing for the classes they had together, and even looking for her in the crowd when walking in the hallways. Brooke was such a bad person.

“Sorry, I’m not the best with numbers,” said Brooke shyly as Vanessa erased her entire calculations from the sheet they were working on.

“You apologize too much,” said Vanessa, smiling softly. “I told you I could do it, relax.”

Brooke didn’t want to get credit for someone else’s work, but she found herself staring at Vanessa’s face while she worked, her tongue peeking out of her mouth, and suddenly she was thinking about kissing her. By the time Brooke came down from her panic, Vanessa had already finished.

“You okay?” asked Vanessa, a worried crease between her eyes.

It was funny, Brooke’s friends never asked her that. It was like they didn’t even pay attention to her most of the time. _You don’t have to be okay_, her therapist’s voice came to her. It wasn’t fair to dump her problems on Vanessa, not after she rejected her so many times. Brooke hated herself so much.

“Not really.”

\--

Vanessa took her to a park after school, producing some chocolate out of her backpack and parting it in the middle for them to eat as they walked.

“I used to think about bringing you here,” said Vanessa. She was blushing. “You know, try to woo you. But I think it might cheer you up anyway.”

“So you’re not trying to woo me anymore?” asked Brooke with a chuckle. It was a beautiful park, but she didn’t get what Vanessa was talking about. Still, it was nice to be out in the open.

“No,” said Vanessa, sounding embarrassed. “I stopped, I promise. I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was hurting you. I should’ve paid attention. Ah, there it is!”

Brooke looked where she was pointing and her breath was taken away. It was a tree, a giant tree, larger and taller than anything Brooke had ever seen in real life. She thought that not even 10 people holding hands could hug its trunk. It was standing in an open field, its roots poking over the ground and creating a place right out of a fairy tale.

They walked over and sat under it, away from the eyes of people walking by the main path. “How did you know I would love this?” asked Brooke, flabbergasted. She was definitely wooed.

“You wrote a thing about ancient trees once, for English class, remember? A poem, really beautiful,” said Vanessa, shrugging. Brooke didn’t think anybody besides the teacher had been listening at the time.

“I’m sorry I was mean to you.”

“You wasn’t mean to me, mama,” said Vanessa kindly. “I know I can be too much sometimes. I’ve been thinking about it, and you were right. I should have done it differently. Should have asked you out, or just said hi before I was pouring my heart out before you even knew who I was. You know, like a normal person.” She laughed, and Brooke followed.

“You want to talk about how you’re not okay?” asked Vanessa softly.

Brooke told her. Told her about her college applications, her worries about studying, her need to be on schedule, her depression looming over her head and threatening to ruin everything. She told Vanessa more than she told her therapist, in the end. She even talked about how much she wanted to be an adult already, out of her parents’ house, and how studying was the only way to get there.

And Vanessa listened.

“I’m taking a gap year,” she said once it was clear Brooke was finished. “My mom’s kind of forcing me, but I think it’s a good idea. I can worry about school and college one at a time, figure myself out instead of freaking out about everything at once.”

It wasn’t the first time Brooke heard about it, but it was the first time she met someone who was actually doing it. It seemed unreal.

“But then you’ll be like, late,” said Brooke, weirdly.

“Late for what, boo? I know you’re eager to start out life, but we’re all gonna be adults whether we want it or not. No point in missing out on life in order to live it later.”

“That’s a little inconsequential,” scoffed Brooke.

Vanessa swatted her arm. “I’m not saying drop everything and go do drugs, Mary. I’m saying your future matters, but you, right now, matter too.”

Brooke was still feeling it where Vanessa touched her.

“Life’s not a race,” said Vanessa. They were staring into each other’s eyes now. “My mom always says that.”

“Your mom seems very cool,” said Brooke. How did they get so close?

“Sometimes she is, yeah,” responded Vanessa, eyes fixed on Brooke’s lips, tongue darting out to wet her own almost unconsciously.

“Can I kiss you?” said Brooke quietly before she could really think about it.

Vanessa’s eyes snapped back to Brooke’s, wide. “What?”

“I wanna kiss you,” said Brooke again. She didn’t know how she got so confident, maybe it was the fact she already knew Vanessa liked her back.

“I thought you didn’t like me,” Vanessa breathed out, leaning closer as if her body and her mind were having contradictory thoughts.

“I like you,” said Brooke, leaning in until their mouths were a mere inch away from each other. “Did you change your mind about me?”

Vanessa closed the distance, her hands shaking as they framed Brooke’s face. At first, it was rough. Vanessa was too nervous, clearly thinking too much as their lips moved and tried, unsuccessfully, to find a rhythm. Brooke pulled back, kissed her cheek, raked her fingers through her hair.

“Relax,” she murmured, kissing Vanessa again. It took a minute, but Vanessa finally let go, the kiss turning soft and flowing as it should. Brooke slipped her tongue inside Vanessa’s mouth, feeling nails scrape the back of her neck in reaction. She tasted like chocolate.

Vanessa felt amazing, but for Brooke the best part was how empty her mind had become. It was more than a nice kiss, it was the beginning of a trust she hadn’t allowed herself to put on anyone in a long time. Her schedule didn’t even cross her mind. She had all the time in the world for this.


End file.
